Appropriate humor

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tdevince
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Appropriate humor

Post by tdevince » 19 Dec 2008, 07:19

Thought a thread like this could be a good compliment to one in the cage:

First "Appropriate" humor:

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.
"Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.
"My wife, a joylessbrat, and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!".
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"



"Yeah. But today is the last day".

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Cyberfly
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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by Cyberfly » 19 Dec 2008, 07:26

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Quick! Give me five shots of whiskey as fast as you can!"
The bartender sets them up and the guy starts slamming them down as quick as he can.
The bartender asks the guy, "Buddy, what's the deal?"
The guy responds, "You'd be drinking these as fast as you could to if you had what I have!"
The bartender is a bit concerned now. He leans on the bar and asks him, "What's wrong pal? What do you have?"
"Eighty five cents." :lmao:
Never confuse 'The will of the Majority' with 'The will of God'.
**This post created with 100% recycled photons!**

tdevince
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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by tdevince » 19 Dec 2008, 07:30

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she asks. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?' he asks solemnly. 'Yes, I do, ' she replies. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?' 'Yes, I remember,' says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'' 'I remember that, too,' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, 'I would have gotten out today.'

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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by tdevince » 19 Dec 2008, 07:32

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a
most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind
the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking
the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a < /SPAN>bad
time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral
is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the
dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

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jmz5
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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by jmz5 » 19 Dec 2008, 07:36

A mushroom walks in to a bar and asks for a beer.
Bartenter says "we don't serve your kind in here"
Mushroom says "why not? I'm a fungi"

:laugh:
كاف

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jmz5
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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by jmz5 » 19 Dec 2008, 07:38

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "You dummy! I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"
كاف

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jmz5
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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by jmz5 » 19 Dec 2008, 07:41

Christmas Has Been Canceled

It's all YOUR fault!

You told Santa that you were GOOD this year...



Image
AND HE DIED LAUGHING!!!
كاف

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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by tdevince » 19 Dec 2008, 07:59

A Redneck guy is watching Ice Fishing on TV one day and decides he wants to try it out.

He starts thinking... How am I gonna make the hole in the ice?? I don't have an ice auger like I saw on that show, but I do have a post hole digger - that'll work.

He puts together all his fishing gear including the post hole auger, throws everything into his pickup and drives down to the ice.

He's pumped, makes his way onto the ice, cracks a beer and excitedly sets up his gear, and then starts making his first hole. He's fishing for a few minutes when he hears a faint voice- There are no fish down there. He follows the voice's advice and moves over to another area of the ice and makes his second hole.

He gets set up and starts fishing again , but hears that faint voice, There are no fish down there.

He heads over to another place on the ice and makes his third hole and starts fishing again. The voice returns louder this time, There Are No Fish Down There!!

The Redneck answers back this time- Who are you?? The voice answers back, I'm the Manager of this Indoor Skating Rink and there are No fish Down There

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jmz5
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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by jmz5 » 19 Dec 2008, 08:02

:laugh:
كاف

tdevince
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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by tdevince » 19 Dec 2008, 08:04

A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"

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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by tdevince » 19 Dec 2008, 08:11

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says “Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.”

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, “That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!”

Confused, he says, “Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.”

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, “How many is a Brazilian?”

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Vortec MAX
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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by Vortec MAX » 19 Dec 2008, 09:20

That blonde joke about the Brazillian skydivers had me ROFL. That was a good one.

In response to a question from his wife, the husband says, "No honey, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by Mister Freeze » 19 Dec 2008, 09:20

Frantically, the blonde calls the fire department. "Help, help! My house is on fire!" "OK, calm down, ma'am. Just tell us how to get there and we'll take care of it."


"Duh, use the big red truck!"

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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by Llagoud » 22 Dec 2008, 05:35

Image

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jmz5
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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by jmz5 » 22 Dec 2008, 06:08

HK is so impressive, it can magically turn bullets around. :D
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tdevince
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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by tdevince » 05 Jan 2009, 14:03

Hell Of A Headache...
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."





Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

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f3rr37
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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by f3rr37 » 05 Jan 2009, 14:18

tdevince wrote: Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
:lmao:

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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by EARS » 05 Jan 2009, 14:51

That was outstanding!! :lmao: :lmao:

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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by Dog Slayer » 05 Jan 2009, 17:21

And more :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

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Rapier1772
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Re: Appropriate humor

Post by Rapier1772 » 04 Feb 2009, 09:13

One for the SS sailors :p The submarine race winners
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